Ask Dr. Sandra: My 4-Year-Old Won't Stay in Bed

Sandy Munoz, LMHC, Psy.D
Oct 13, 2025
3 min read

Updated: Nov 7, 2025

Oh, Exhausted in Boca, I feel this in my bones. The bedtime jack-in-the-box routine is one of the most frustrating parenting challenges, and you're definitely not alone.

Here's what's really happening, and what actually works:

What’s Going On

Your 4-year-old isn't trying to torture you (even though it feels that way at 10 PM). Several things are at play:

Developmental: Four-year-olds are becoming more independent and testing boundaries. Bedtime is a big boundary.
Fear: Nighttime fears are REAL at this age. Her brain is developing the ability to imagine "what ifs," and that's scary.
Connection: She might need more connection during the day, and bedtime is when she gets your full attention.
The Pattern: It's become a habit. She knows if she gets out of bed enough times, something interesting might happen.

What Actually Works

Strategy 1: The Silent Walk-Back (My Favorite)

After your bedtime routine:

Tell her once: "This is bedtime. I love you. I'll see you in the morning. Stay in your cozy bed."
Every single time she gets out, walk her back silently.
No talking, no eye contact, no emotion.
Just a gentle hand guiding her back.
Tuck her in briefly, then leave.

This is HARD the first 3-4 nights (she might get up 20+ times). But it works because:

She's not getting attention (positive or negative).
You're boring (the best thing you can be at bedtime!).
She learns: getting out of bed = nothing happens.

Strategy 2: The Bedtime Pass

Give her ONE "get out of bed free" card:

She can use it for water, bathroom, hug, or whatever.
When she uses it, that's it.
No more passes until tomorrow.

This works because:

She has some control (four-year-olds need this).
Clear boundary (one and done).
She learns to prioritize what she really needs.

Strategy 3: Tackle the Fears Directly

During the DAY (not at bedtime), talk about her nighttime worries:

"I noticed you've been worried about monsters. Let's make a monster-be-gone spray!" (a water bottle with lavender).
Put a photo of the family on her nightstand.
A nightlight she can control herself.
Practice brave-at-night skills during the day.

What Won't Work

❌ Threatening or punishing - Fear + anger = more fear.

❌ Inconsistency - If you give in sometimes, she learns to keep trying.

❌ Long conversations at bedtime - Attention (even negative) reinforces the behavior.

❌ Bringing her to your bed - Unless that's your permanent plan.

For You and Your Husband

You're fighting because you're both exhausted and using different strategies. Kids exploit inconsistency (they're not being bad - they're being smart!).

Tonight:

Have a 10-minute meeting (not at bedtime!).
Choose ONE strategy you'll both commit to.
Agree to try it consistently for 7 nights.
Decide who handles which nights.
Support each other - tag out if needed.

The Timeline

Nights 1-3: Probably worse (extinction burst - she'll try harder).
Nights 4-5: You'll see improvement.
Week 2: Much better.
Week 3: Bedtime victory!

Final Thought

This phase will end. Four-year-olds don't stay four forever (even though some nights feel eternal). You're not failing. You're in the thick of it.

And hey - someday you'll miss those little feet padding down the hallway. (Just maybe not tonight at 11 PM.)

You've got this.

Stuck on a parenting challenge? https://www.sandra-munoz.com/for-parents