Ask Dr. Sandra: My 4-Year-Old Won't Stay in Bed

📮 ASK DR. SANDRA

QUESTION:

"Dr. Sandra, I'm desperate. My 4-year-old daughter will not stay in her bed at night. We do the whole bedtime routine - bath, books, songs - and then 5 minutes later she's out of bed with a million excuses. 'I'm thirsty.' 'I need to pee.' 'There's a monster.' 'I'm scared.' This goes on for HOURS. My husband and I are exhausted and fighting about how to handle it. What do we do?!"

— Exhausted in Boca

Tired child in bed

ANSWER:

Oh, Exhausted in Boca, I feel this in my bones. The bedtime jack-in-the-box routine is one of the most frustrating parenting challenges, and you're definitely not alone.

Here's what's really happening, and what actually works:

**WHAT'S GOING ON:**

Your 4-year-old isn't trying to torture you (even though it feels that way at 10pm). Several things are at play:

1. **Developmental**: 4-year-olds are becoming more independent and testing boundaries. Bedtime is a big boundary.

2. **Fear**: Nighttime fears are REAL at this age. Her brain is developing the ability to imagine "what ifs" and that's scary.

3. **Connection**: She might need more connection during the day, and bedtime is when she gets your full attention.

4. **The pattern**: It's become a habit. She knows if she gets out of bed enough times, something interesting might happen.

**WHAT ACTUALLY WORKS:**

**STRATEGY 1: The Silent Walk-Back (My Favorite)**

After your bedtime routine:

- Tell her once: "This is bedtime. I love you. I'll see you in the morning. Stay in your cozy bed."

- Every single time she gets out, walk her back silently

- No talking, no eye contact, no emotion

- Just a gentle hand guiding her back

- Tuck her in briefly, leave

This is HARD the first 3-4 nights (she might get up 20+ times). But it works because:

- She's not getting attention (positive or negative)

- You're boring (the best thing you can be at bedtime!)

- She learns: getting out of bed = nothing happens

**STRATEGY 2: The Bedtime Pass**

Give her ONE "get out of bed free" card:

- She can use it for water, bathroom, hug, whatever

- When she uses it, that's it

- No more passes until tomorrow

This works because:

- She has some control (4-year-olds need this)

- Clear boundary (one and done)

- She learns to prioritize what she really needs

**STRATEGY 3: Tackle the Fears Directly**

During the DAY (not at bedtime), talk about her nighttime worries:

- "I noticed you've been worried about monsters. Let's make a monster-be-gone spray!" (water bottle with lavender)

- Put photo of family on her nightstand

- Nightlight she can control herself

- Practice brave-at-night skills during the day

**WHAT WON'T WORK:**

❌ Threatening or punishing - Fear + anger = more fear

❌ Inconsistency - If you give in sometimes, she learns to keep trying

❌ Long conversations at bedtime - Attention (even negative) reinforces the behavior

❌ Bringing her to your bed - Unless that's your permanent plan

**FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND:**

You're fighting because you're both exhausted and using different strategies. Kids exploit inconsistency (they're not being bad - they're being smart!).

Tonight:

- Have a 10-minute meeting (not at bedtime!)

- Choose ONE strategy you'll both commit to

- Agree to try it consistently for 7 nights

- Decide who handles which nights

- Support each other - tag out if needed

**THE TIMELINE:**

- Nights 1-3: Probably worse (extinction burst - she'll try harder)

- Nights 4-5: You'll see improvement

- Week 2: Much better

- Week 3: Bedtime victory!

**FINAL THOUGHT:**

This phase will end. Four-year-old's don't stay 4-year-olds forever (even though some nights feel eternal). You're not failing. You're in the thick of it.

And hey - someday you'll miss those little feet padding down the hallway. (Just maybe not tonight at 11pm.)

You've got this.

Stuck on a parenting challenge? https://www.sandra-munoz.com/for-parents

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© Dr. Sandra Munoz | Sandra-Munoz.com